sleepless

it is 2:49am and, even in spite of being tired all day long, my mind is wide-awake. i don't know why, but it seems like this is the time of day (night) when i am most alert. my life approaches me with such clarity in the middle of the night, and i find myself able to think about things for which i otherwise don't make the time when the sun is shining. i consider my existence, and wonder to myself if i'm living my life the way i would really like to be living it. what are my priorities? do those little things really matter as much now as they did during the daytime? what kind of a person do i want to be, and havent i succeeded in becoming h? i have been blogging everyday, and i feel happy about that. the mood just has struck me to write - and i think about it every day. but i haven't been taking care of myself. i'm slacking on my sleep and eating too much junk food. i haven't made any special time for myself in several days. sometimes i think i forget myself that i have someone even though things for us were complicated i still treating that someone like more than a friends. i know it's just this weird transitional phase that i'm in now... or it's just that i'm lazy. i don't know what my problem is, but i really feel like i ought to be a better person than i am. i could use my time better. i could use my money better. i could be more organized and i could give more to others.

now it's3:15am. i still don't feel like sleeping, but at least i have the consolation that i did something productive. there's something about sharing my thoughts that makes me feel like i've contributed to the world - even if no one reads them.